Beaten, what for....

[voice_of_fire]

Who: Hotsuma And Shusei
When: Late Night after the campfire.
Where: Outside under the stars. Near Athena's cabin.
What: THE TALK...
Warnings: Angst...lots of it, maybe a few triggery topics by way of people wanting to die etc...



He had grabbed the blanket from his bed and headed outside, sure they were not married this time. They were just friends but the thing is, Shusei was always there and Hotsuma in a strange place with people he did not know and could not trust...needed that.

So he spread the blanket under the tree, flopped down on it and let his head rest back against the trunk. He knew Shusei would be coming soon, they had agreed to this. It was the only way for them.

That and there was a topic that still needed discussing, Hotsuma could not shake those words. Over and over again they played in his mind as he waited.

Comments

[gods_blinded_eyes]

Shusei, too, snagged the blanket from his bed and made his way outside, where he folded down to sit beside Hotsuma without a word. He took a moment to toss the blanket out, over both their legs, then settled down shoulder to shoulder beside his partner.

Granted, they weren't married in this life and he himself was always quick to point out to others that who he's been then wasn't the same as who he was now - and not because he was male in this life as opposed to Hotsuma's wife in the last. He was different because in this life... he was fundamentally incomplete and he knew that.

Just as he knew he'd have to admit that, now, because while Hotsuma was his light and his reason for living, Shusei just...

He couldn't do it anymore.

He couldn't be the reason that guilt and recrimination etched pain into those brilliant startdust eyes anymore. It was killing him more and more each day to be the one hurting the only person in his world that shone so blindingly. Even so, even knowing what he'd have to say now, he still found himself watching his partner's profile as he settled into place. All the tension, all the anger and confusion, was like a weight pressing in on Hotsuma and Shusei found himself wanting to curse these new gods with all of his anger for doing this to him.

All he did do, however, was lean forward and brush his lips in a featherlight caress over the bandages encircling the other's neck in silent apology before he leaned back against the tree again.

"Alright, Hotsuma. Where... how do you want to start? You can finish yelling at me if you need - just not in your usual dulcet tones. I don't think these cabins are exactly thick-walled."

[voice_of_fire]

Hotsuma had his face turned up toward the sky, he felt the brush of hair even before that barely there touch of lips. It hurt, because at the same time he could hear Ashley. He could see Shusei, lifeless, hanging there, he could see those scars.

It was all there and he hates himself for it, he is angry, at everything. Yet there is that comfort, he has Shusei. No matter what, even if it felt like these new 'parents' were trying to make it as if their lives before had never existed.

The soft pressure of Shusei next to him told him different, it still mattered. It was still the most important thing, his hand curled, fingers clenched tight.

He could yell, he could just let it all out but, there are words that mean more than anything, that stand out more than any other.

"She said you wanted to die......"

[gods_blinded_eyes]

Whatever Shusei had expected, it had been more to the point of his comment earlier or even their current situation with these new god parents. He hadn't expected Hotsuma to tell him that damned Opast had needlessly opened her mouth.

That was something Hotsuma hadn't ever needed to know and so he froze for just a second, eyes widening in surprise, before he continued to sit back. He drew in a slow, steadying breath then dropped his gaze to where his hands rested in his lap. And when he spoke, his voice was soft and calm, but flat - devoid of any real emotion.

"...Before... I thought to myself that, so long as you needed me, I could continue to live because for me... you were my only reason to fight. My only reason to live, Hotsuma. So long as I had you... I could..." trailing off, he cleared his throat and shook his head.

Having to find the words to explain his feelings now was harder than he'd expected it to be.

[voice_of_fire]

What was he talking about? He still had Hotsuma, even being brought to some strange place had not changed that. They were here, together, Shusei was the only one Hotsuma counted on to always be there.

Why would he think that Hotsuma did not need him. "I still need you, so there's no reason for you to want to die! How many times do I have to say it, you're my one and only partner, I don't need any one else..."

His throat felt tight, of every one he knew, Shusei wanting to die hurt the most. His voice sounded so tired, his eyes looked just as tired and it set a fear into Hotsuma's veins that pounded through them.

[gods_blinded_eyes]

Shusei couldn't help but quirk a small, self-depreciating smile at Hotsuma's assertion before shaking his head. "But you have someone else now, don't you? Or at least, you did before we ended up here."

He drew a breath and reached out to place a staying hand on Hotsuma's forearm, to keep him from uttering any denial now, before Shusei could clarify. This was hard enough to put into words now, without Hotsuma's more vocal denials because much as he would likely give such denials, Shusei couldn't bear turning the other into an unintentional liar on top of everything else.

And so he drew another breath and kept his gaze locked on the way his hand rested on his partner's forearm. "You have Yuki, and you love him... and that's as it should be because for you... Yuki can heal you in ways that I can only ever hurt you, Hotsuma."

[voice_of_fire]

He was seconds away from making those exact protest. Even after what Shusei said because no, Yuki did not mean more than Shusei. Yes, some part of him was drawn to him, they all were. But, he needed Shusei, he was lost without the other. He had been fine without Yuki.

But there are words outside of Yuki that stand out there, ones that are more important than anything else Shusei said.

"You're not hurting me, what are you talking about? I don't need Yuki, he's not my partner, you are......" His one and only partner, there was no one else that could be what Shusei was to him.

They were supposed to be together, that was how it was meant to be.

[gods_blinded_eyes]

"...But I am, Hotsuma."

Shusei had listened to the protests and he'd tried to take them to heart, but it was the denial of the one thing that was an absolute truth between them, of the one thing that had grown to become what he saw as an insurmountable wall that caused Hotsuma pain every day that made it impossible to accept those careless words into his heart.

That's why he sighed and pushed the blanket off his lap, then shifted so that he was kneeling beside Hotsuma, facing his partner, Shusei finally forced his deadened gaze up to watch Hotsuma's shifting expression, already resigning himself to the retreat he was about to see from the other as he lifted his hands and quite deliberately began to unbutton his shirt.

With each button undone, the fabric parted, gaped to show the first traces of scars on his upper chest and shoulders.

"I can see it, Hotsuma. Every time you look at me, all you can see are these and I can see the way you blame yourself... despite the fact that I've never blamed you. Every time you see these, I can see the way you berate yourself and... I just can't do it anymore." He paused then to take a breath, and try as he might, he could not force himself to keep his gaze on Hotsuma's face. He couldn't bear to see that rejection of him as he was now once again.

And this time, when he spoke, it was barely above a whisper, "I've always been proud of these wounds, because they brought you back to me but for you... these indelible scars have only ever hurt you and so... So I think it's time we stop being partners. Here, perhaps, you can find someone that doesn't hurt you as I do, because I can't do it anymore, Hotsuma. It's... it's killing me."

[voice_of_fire]

He had no idea, that his guilt was hurting Shusei this way. He did not think of it as Shusei hurting him, it was his own mistake, what he had done that caused it. It was him that had hurt Shusei, that is what those scars meant. It was his fault, not Shusei's, so how could he ever realize it was that very guilt that Shusei felt he was causing.

At first the guilt, the pain all began to cover his face as Shusei unbottons his shirt. Hotsuma's hand balled into a fist, gripped with a fierceness because this is what he had done.

Then he heard the words, they sunk in through the layers of guilt over the very thing he was trying to look away from.

"Shusei...." His voice was thick with emotion, how could he have been so blind. All this time, it was him that had been hurting Shusei because he could not forgive himself. His hand started to unclench, to rise as his eyes come and focus directly at those scars.

What was in his eyes now however was a spark of gold, a hint of determination as fingers finally made contact.

"I had no idea, I always blamed myself for hurting you, because I never wanted that. Out of every one, you were the one I couldn't hurt and I did. " It was the reason he tried so hard now, because he could never do what he had done to Shusei again. His fingers followed the scars as he continued.

His eyes went from them to Shusei, he knew them well enough even in his mind's eye to still trace them.

"Forgive me Shusei." Gone was the angry young man, this was just Hotsuma as only Shusei ever saw him.

"I'll never look away from these scars again, I will look at them as a reminder that we're in this together. Just please, don't leave me." He could lose any one, he could survive it but only if Shusei was beside him.

[gods_blinded_eyes]

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